


Lupercalia

by Little_Firestar84



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M, Valentine's Day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-10
Updated: 2017-02-10
Packaged: 2018-09-23 08:25:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9647984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Little_Firestar84/pseuds/Little_Firestar84
Summary: "Did he just propose a threesome? With you?”“Why do you always have to sound so disgusted when people assume we’re in a relationship!?Besides,t his… young man here is celebrating Lupercalia. Just like his associates are."Or: the time Donna and the Doctor couldn't seem to escape St. Valentine's day...





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Basmathgirl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Basmathgirl/gifts).



> a little something for Basmathgirl. I know we normally our Doctor/Donna stories on hte romantic side, but I wanted something light and a bit funny, for once...

“Oh, Thank God you are here!” The Doctor had barely had time to lift his right hand to knock on the Noble’s household door when Donna welcomed him- practically running into the Alien and knocking the wind out of him; fallen to the ground, he looked at his companion, surprised and a bit scared. 

The Doctor knew that Donna _loved_ traveling with him- but more often than not, she would be fed up with him and would roll her eyes at what she saw as silly behavior. Besides, she liked (even a bit too much, in his opinion) the commodities of the modern world, so he knew that she loved coming back to her own time and place every now and then. 

“What are you still doing on the ground? We must hurry!” Donna kept looking between him and her back with a nervous- and a little frightened- expression. He feared that something was wrong, that maybe, just maybe, one of his enemies had found out about her and her family and were trying to use them to lure him out.Gasping, he wondered who could have orchestrated such a plan… Cybermen, Daleks, or maybe… was is the Master? 

And then… then, he heard that voice, coming closer and closer, and gazing into Donna’s eyes, he knew exactly what kind of danger they were against. And even if he wasn’t an expert on the matter, frankly, he couldn’t blame the poor woman for feeling that way, gasping, he didn’t lose any time, and as soon as he was back on his feet, he grabbed the redhead’s right hand, and run as fast as possible to his trusted Tardis, no words exchanged between them.

“Donna? Honey? I was thinking that maybe I could get Mrs. Whiskly to invite her son to dinner… now, I know his manners aren’t exquisite, and that he is been rumored to have spent a few years behind bars, but I don’t think that at your age you should… Donna? Donna, where are you? Dad, have you seen Donna? I swore she was here one second ago… do you think she run off with that awful man once again? She’ll never find herself a fine husband if she keeps behaving like that! “

“I’m so, so, sorry.” The Doctor said as soon as they were back safely inside the Tardis, their backs against the cold metal of the vessel.

“Are you kidding?” Donna laughed, out of breath. “You just saved my mother’s life!”

“I…did?” The Doctor asked, baffled. Yes, he could be a little egocentric at times, and he liked when people thanked him- especially if they were women and expressed their gratitude like Queen Elizabeth did- but right now he really didn’t get Donna’s point. Wasn’t Donna the one he had, metaphorically speaking, saved? 

“Of course you did! Do you have any idea what goes through my mum’s head on Valentine’s day? I’ll tell you what: awful things- the very stuff nightmares are made of. Can you imagine? She wanted me to have dinner with Stanley Whiskly, that tiny little man who looks like a… a… a dwarf! Me!” Donna took a big breath, then put her hands on her sides. “I swear, five more minutes of listening to her complaining about all my faults and how they are the reason I’m still single, and I would have killed her with my bare hands!”

The Doctor, once gotten what Donna had meant with her expression, shook his head, tsk-tsking her a little; he waltzed to the core of the Tardis, and started hitting buttons that, to his companion, seemed more or less like toys, or something barely there to make scene. 

“C’mon, Donna, I know you love you mother!” He simply said, his eyes fixed on a small screen, all the while the machine was singing what felt like a symphony to the Time Master.

“Yes, yes, I do. And I guess I wouldn’t change her for anything. But, she can be an handful when she wants- and Valentine’s Days are the worse.” She quietly said, her lips graced by a tiny and yet sincere smile. She was keeping her arms crossed, her eyes going everywhere, still fascinated by this adventure she kept on living, even after all this time. “No mother likes a single daughter. But one my age, and my mother in particular, on Valentine’s Day? Let’s skip the subject and go somewhere far away from here and now!” she simply said, a movement of her right hand that indicated that she really didn’t want anything to do any longer with Valentine’s day, or even just the subject of her family and her single status.

Before they knew it, the Tardis was landing, and they were leaving the time ship.

“So, where did we go this time?” Donna asked, a little bit more cheerful than before; she bit the inside of her cheek, and looked around the outside of the bright blue police box, which was completely out of place where they were; as soon as she noticed the architecture, the fiery redhead turned, hands on her hips, and took a step closer to the tall man right before her. “I seriously hope you don’t get us back to Pompeii, Doc…. Ah!” she jumped- almost in his arms- when she felt… something spank her on her rear; eyes as huge as saucer, she turned, and saw a completely naked young man, with a striking resemblance to the young Whiskly- with a whip in his hand; he was staring at her with a sinister intent- one his anatomy couldn’t hide- and he was licking his lips as he kept his gaze firmly on her breasts. 

_ “Well, well, well… you must come from a faraway country, my beauty… why don’t you leave that poor little fella and don’t allow me to explain you how Lupercalia works?”  _ He said in Latin, never stopping to lick his lips, like he was eyeing a piece of meat or some dessert and not a woman. _“Unless he wants to join in? I wouldn’t mind share the two of you…”_

“Did he just propose a threesome? With _you_?” Donna asked the Doctor, slightly disgusted. The alien simply rolled his eyes, grunting. 

“Why do you always have to sound so disgusted when people assume we’re in a relationship!?” the Doctor grunted, rolling his eyes dramatically, a tiny bit annoyed. “This… young man here is celebrating Lupercalia. Just like his associates.” He indicated with a finger a group of men running naked, busy spanking innocent young women who were doing their best at covering their eyes, scared and scandalized, or were blushing like the innocent virgins they probably were. “They whip women in order to increase their fertility. It was an ancient Pagan rite celebrated on what in modern days would become…” he slapped himself on his forehead, looking at the bright sky. “We’ve gone to Valentine’s Day in ancient Rome! I don’t understand how it happened!”

Donna groaned, and marched toward the Tardis, grabbing the Doctor for the lapel of his jacket; she had gone with him because she wanted to escape Valentine’s Day, and what he was doing? The opposite! That man! He really had the ability to walk in disasters anywhere- and anywhen- he went, even when he wasn’t planning to!

“Could we go, please?” Donna asked, when she heard the naked man insisting on knocking on the Tardis’ door, begging them for a threesome; when the ship she was the first one to exit, once again marching like a soldier, clearly annoyed for the whole thing. 

She sighed as she saw the landscape all around her, far from the alien beauty she was expecting to witness; the Tardis and the Doctor could visit any time, any planet they wanted and yet today they seemed obsessed with Earth. “Ok. It looks like one of my mother’s painting, but at least we’re not surrounded by naked men trying to steal my virtue any longer…” The Doctor laughed up his sleeve, barely containing himself. “Now what?!”

“Well, don’t get me wrong, Donna, but I’m pretty sure that you’ve lost your virtue a long time ago…” He said, chuckling, as they walked side by side in direction of a nearby village they could see in the distance.

“Did you call me old?” She asked, lifting a perfect eyebrow, elbowing him- painfully- in the side. 

The Doctor looked at her, panicking and a bit scared. Sometimes- well, often, actually- he was honestly scared of Donna. He guessed that they were the kind of couple- albeit not romantic- where it was the woman who “wore pants”, as Humans liked to say. Besides, he was a fragile creature, and she knew how to inflict pain upon those who deserved it- which meant that he had to carefully choose his next few words.

“ No, I mean that, in your time and age, women don’t need to be married or of a proper age to… consummate.” He said, blushing a little and clearing his voice. Yes, he could be open-minded, but it was Donna he was thinking about here, which made it kind of… bizarre. 

“So you are not saying I’m old. You are saying I’m easy.” She calmly stated, as they entered the village. The Doctor took a couple of steps to the side, putting some distance between them. He felt that, no matter what he would be saying- Donna was going to use it against him, no matter what. It was just the kind of mood she was in.

“No, I mean that you a modern woman living inmodern world and that you have needs and desire like all the rest of the population and…” he came to an halt when he run into her, for Donna had stopped in the middle of the road and hadn’t taken one step further. “Now what?! I’m a time Lord! I can do many things, but I can’t read your mind! If something is wrong you have to actually tell me, Donna!” He screamed at the top of his lugs. Donna simply looked at him-a bit like he had simply been an annoyed brat and had had an outburst- then she turned to look at the village, in front of her, and the Doctor followed her gaze.

“Ah.” He simply said. This time, they weren’t surrounded by naked psychos, but by men, dressed in their best, albeit simple and poor, clothes; gallantly, they were offering notes and keys to the young women walking down the busy streets of the village, bowing for them. “I don’t understand…”

“And, tell me, what it is that you are not understanding? From what I know, in England, circa 1770, men used to court women on Valentine’s day offering them notes and keys….”

“Yes, yes, yes, the keys to their hearts, I know, I know. No, what I meant is, I don’t understand why the Tardis keep sending her to Valentine’s day, only, in different point in times…” He sighed, and, once turned, they walked the short distance back to the Tardis; he had his hands in the pockets of his coat, while Donna kept her arms crossed.

“What to give it another try?” He asked, once they were safely back inside the vessel. “I say, let’s put to test the old saying, _third time the charm_.” He grinned, that grin that had conquered many hearts, and that never failed to make Donna smile. But this time, she simply shook her head. 

“Nah.” She sighed, smiling of a little smile. “I’m under the impression that no matter how many times we’ll try- we’ll always end up at Valentine’s day. I fear that your ship may actually be the adult here, Doctor, and is trying to tell me that I’ll not always be able to escape my mum, no matter how much I want to….”

“You sure? We could always celebrate it together…”He said as she was leaving him, her home right before them, Silvia already at the window looking at the duo, ready to lecture her daughter about her lack of job, love and how she was traveling the cosmos with a strange man; the Doctor was looking at her suggestively, but yet Donna knew he was joking, she could see it in his eyes. 

“Yeah, well, Doctor, forgive me, but I’d rather be celebrating it with Whiskly… Besides, I told you… I’d never change her for anything in the world!”

“Happy Valentine’s Day, Donna Noble!” He shouted when she was at the door; shaking his head, he came back to his Tardis, ready for a new adventure- his heart light enough, for he had seen the smile on her face, and he knew that she would have been all right. 

**Author's Note:**

> Both Traditonsd are true- Lupercalia was the pagan version of Valentine's Day, and was celebrated between the 13rd and the 15th of February.


End file.
